i guess you just are incapable of responding to long messages of any sort….

…thanks though
for being a judgmental bitch
for being there for me… 



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last night, my ‘best friend’ texted me and she said she was worried i’d changed because all i post on my [public] tumblr is things about partying and drinking and drugs and sex and stuff. and, she’s right. i have changed. a lot. in a very short amount of time. so i opened up to her. i told her everything about how i felt. and yes, my text was really long, but i was completely honest. i thought she cared.

she didn’t respond.

i went to sleep, figuring it would take awhile. but it has been 24 hours now, and she still hasn’t replied. could she not at least say, ‘i’m really sorry, i’m busy though, so i’ll reply later’?

that’s all i would have needed. and i’m sure she’ll reply in a few days. but my heart is already entirely hardened. i am just so sick of people acting like they care just to ignore me.

it’s a sad, lonely world.
and i’m sorry i’ve changed. i really am. i think i’ve become an alcoholic. i think my morals went down the drain. i don’t want to find love; i don’t want a relationship. i just want to have sex like a guy. make it meaningless. never talk to them again.

and i’m hurting people. i know i am. i’m hurting a lot of people. i’ve become a complete monster. but what can i do? nobody knows the whole story. it’s long, and it’s messy. people know various bits and pieces of it… i tell certain people the certain parts i know they can handle. but no one knows absolutely everything.

i was willing to tell her everything… even though she’s been such an awful friend a lot of the time, she always ends up being there… even if it takes awhile.
sometimes i think i’m oversensitive to her taking awhile to get back to me because i still have feelings for her. she’s gorgeous, and she always has been. and she’s so fun. i thought i got over her, but i’ve known her almost my whole life, and even when she’s a shitty friend, i still just want to see her, and want to be her favorite. i miss her. i miss us being so close and doing everything together; even though she’s straight as a board… i don’t know. 

i’m just accepting less than i want to a lot lately.

i just want somebody to care. i want somebody to not ignore my texts, and i want somebody to tell me i’m a good person, or that i’m a worthwhile person and not just another pretty face. but no one seems to understand, and no one tries.

i’m just miserable, i guess.



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